A couple days ago, I was driving to Tan Tara for work. I had to drive there and back home in one day, so it was a lot of car time by myself. To me this is exciting....at first. But then my mind starts kicking in and I start thinking of all the things I could be doing instead of driving. I usually end up making a to-do list in my head that never gets done because I am too tired after driving all day. Since I drive a lot in my job, I have started listening to podcasts. I am in love with Rob Casts by Rob Bell and Serial (two totally different types of podcasts...but I love them both).
Anyway - I listened to a Rob Cast where Rob Bell is talking with Glennon Doyle Melton - whom I adore and love her books as well as her blog. You can check out the podcast here and the blog Momastery here . This Rob Cast totally inspired me. It was all about being honest and showing your true identity. I loved it and haven't stopped thinking about it. So much in fact that I wanted to share a journal entry that I wrote the other morning.
So here it goes...
I am loved.
I am redeemed.
Why are these 2 phrases so easy to say but oh so hard to believe? It's not that I am loved and redeemed by everyone - it is that I am loved and redeemed by God. His grace pours down on me moment by moment. Drips drop all through the day to show me His love. A reminder to say "I am with you, my love."
I often go to bed thinking about all the things I didn't accomplish that day. Thinking tomorrow will be better. I will have it more together tomorrow. Sometimes I wake up with the weight of of the world on my shoulders - already defeated because I woke up late so I won't get a run in or I won't be able to do a quiet time before the kids get up. Other times, I wake up refreshed and ready to take on the world. However, it always ends the same - what did I not accomplish today. What have I now added to my list tomorrow? Why can't those first two lines carry me through? What is it that is in me to push these lines away?
I long for a walk with God but then I stray. I long for God to take the wheel but then I start driving.
To trust - to give up control- is so hard.
I have no answer but to pray. Pray hard and pray fiercely. I can safely say that a calming comes around me and for a moment I feel it - a rest in His arms.
Then the world comes crashing in -
-the kids want breakfast
-the kids are fighting
-the husband wants a hug and to talk about how I slept
-a run needs to happen
-the dog needs out
-laundry is calling
-emails start dinging
-parents are calling to make plans
It all collides - nothing bad or disastrous- but it quickly whips my neck around to see where I am. I am needed.
So my prayer is to keep holding tightly to God's hand throughout the day. To cling to his hand, his robe, his finger or whatever I can so that I remember -
I am Loved
I am Redeemed
- even when I fail
- even when I fall
- even when I yell or get angry
- even when I am overwhelmed
- even when I don't accomplish
I am Loved
I am Redeemed
I wrote this yesterday and I probably should have read it this morning before my day got started. It was the first day of summer break and you could tell that we are used to some structure and not being in the house all day! Yet, this was a nice reminder to look back and see where God dripped his drops of grace throughout the day. (It was also nice when there were drips of cream going into my 1st and 2nd cups of iced coffee today too!) I am thankful we have a whole summer and we don't have to fit all the fun activities into one or two days. I am also thankful that God has given me this chance to learn how to accept his grace and love.
Have a great night.