Wednesday, July 16, 2014

A Day That I Woke Up On the Wrong Side of the Bed

So I knew it was going to be a rough day today as soon as I woke up this morning. Yup...I got up on the wrong side of the bed. It started at 4:15 fussing, followed by a 5:30 cry and feeding. (Side note- I am very blessed that Nora slept from 11:15 to 4:15, then went back to sleep so I didn't have to feed until 5:30. I do recognize this...but I could still tell it was going to be a rough day.) When I woke up again at 7:00, I went for a run. Well, I walked and ran, probably more walking than running, however, I did run so I am going to call it a run. 

Anyway, my hope was a chance to breathe in the beautiful air and have some alone time would fix this "off feeling". Nope. NOT. AT. ALL. Actually then I was really tired so that made it worse. I really didn't even want to nurse. After 3 cups of coffee, I declared it a lazy day. Looking back this is hilarious. My kids, especially my oldest, does not do lazy. They just looked at me and said "Mom, do you want to play Candyland?" Sure, that is a pretty lazy game.

 So that I don't drag this post out full of negative comments, the day just got rougher. Spilled smoothie, spilled lunch, (yup and we had just mopped the night before), black face paint all over my children's arms and faces (that stuff is hard to get off, it leaves a faint grayish color), spit up everywhere, the list goes on and on. I finally gave up and said "Movie time - my bed- everyone!" Even though it was a beautiful day and the weather is amazing right now, I had a movie time. I just wanted to lay down and I knew I would be safe in my bed. If I lay down outside, there is a chance I would get jumped on, sprayed with the water hose, or hit with baseball/soccer ball/basketball.

Dinner fixing did go pretty well, except for the fact that John told me "Dad lets us do more stuff to help with food than you do." This was when I wouldn't let him cut the onions with a super sharp knife or touch the raw hamburger. Yes, I am the meanie. I just stared at him because I didn't have anything nice to say. When Matt walked in, I must have looked rough because he instantly said, "Why don't you go to Scooters for 2 hours after you feed Nora with the gift card you got from Pam?" I didn't hesitate, it was an instant OKAY!
Well, I learned that Scooters closes at 7:oo, so Starbucks is where I planted myself. 

As I was driving, I was thinking about my day. This too shall pass and I know that but it is hard to think that way when you are standing in it. I read these silly signs that talk about messy floors, dirty dishes, but happy children, blah, blah, blah. People tell me to not worry about my house right now, cleaning can come later. But wouldn't it be nice to have a clean house for 24 hours? Just 24 hours...

Going from 2 to 3 has been a huge adjustment. I am not sure what I thought it was going to be like, but not like this. We no longer play man to man, we play zone. Our third doesn't even hardly move yet, so I can't imagine what is yet to come. I love my kids with all my heart, but this is a hard job. And I beat myself up about it all the time. It has been laid on my heart to share some negative days. We have this awesome way of showing off our kids, accomplishments and so on through social media. I am super guilty of this. I usually only post the positive and cute things. However, this isn't real life and it leaves people feeling alone and thinking "I should be doing more." Since Nora has been born, I dealt with post postpartum depression. Actually I don't like to call it depression. I like to call it  postpartum anxiety and overwhelming feeling. It sucks because you feel like you are in a world by yourself. No one talks about it and everyone talks about how happy this time is. It is a happy time, but it is really hard. All of you stay at home moms, you are truly amazing. All of you out of home working mommas, you are amazing also. I have actually wrote a post about how I have dealt with this postpartum stuff and it isn't quite ready to post, but I will at some point. 

 This is my husband. He is my best friend and the love of my life. I thank my sweet Jesus that he put us together. When he took the vows 9 years ago, for better or worse, I don't think he knew what he was getting into. He has been so supportive of me, especially through this time since Nora has been born. He has seen me at my lowest and he has loved me through it. He has loved me when I have attacked him with words and when I have said " I don't know if I can do this." He has hugged me when I have beat myself up for not living up to these stupid, make believe expectations that I have set for myself. He grounds me and helps me see the real world. He loves me through thick and thin. I caught myself a good one. 
 And then I see these 2 crazy kids. They are both so different and I love them to death, even on our "off days'. Even when I have had some of my worse days, they always say "I love you momma." They don't hold grudges and they wake up each day with the idea that this is a new day ahead of us. They love their new little sister more than I could have ever imagined, even though they do get tired of her eating all the time. ( I hear ya kids.) God blessed Matt and I with these 2 gifts and I am grateful that he has loaned us these sweet souls. They teach me something each day. 

And then there is this little munchkin. Oh my gosh...can you get any cuter! She has started grinning at us and it melts your heart. She has changed our lives and I wouldn't trade it in for the whole world. She already knows John and Sophia. You can tell she is already going to adore them. And she loves me. Through the times that I have held her and cried, telling her that "Everything is going to be okay", she still prefers me above anyone else. She calms down when she is in my arms and especially when she is on my chest. She is my "little bit" and I can't thank God enough for loaning her to us. 

What is so cool, and scary at the same time, is that God has entrusted Matt and I with these sweet souls. He has sent them to us for us to teach them and help them grow. But what I have learned through each of the kids, is that he sent them to us to teach us things too. And boy, have they taught us things. 

So it was a rough day and it really did suck, even though there were some good things that happened. However, tomorrow is a new day and I am thankful for that. 

Have a good night.  

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