Thursday, March 25, 2010

I hate talking about my weaknesses, but I have had this on my mind the last week and have put it I am going to do it. I figure since I have quite a few people read my blog, that I should put something that I struggle with so that if someone is going through it, they know they aren't alone. Weaknesses are hard to talk about and I think as women, we often don't let people know we have them. We seem to have this idea that we have to be super human, when in fact, we don't.
First...I am not writing this to have people feel sorry for me.
I love to think that I have it all together...when sometimes, actually more than often, I don't. I like to think I can juggle all kinds of balls on my own. I have trouble asking for help...unless I just am at a breaking point. I hit a breaking point a couple of Fridays ago. Up until this point, a lot of people had asked me if I had been hit with baby blues and I could honestly say that I hadn't...and then it happened.
My mom had left that day and Matt had to work late. It was the first night that I had both kids by myself and I had to get them both to bed. We left Liberty...too late...about Independence, hunger hit Sophia. The screaming started and soon I had two kiddos screaming, White knuckles were before me on the steering wheel and I seemed to hit every red light on 291.
We get home and I try to get both kids up the stairs at the same time...wrong move! We did make it. Cars is put in the DVD player and I am now feeding Sophia. John gets tired of me doing this and he is now trying to lay on top of Sophia. I am frazzled, but still have it somewhat together.
John's next move, ripping off my glasses. I am trying to stay calm and tell him NO. Then his hand went up and BOOM...a hit on Sophia. I LOST it. I screamed at him and the tears started. These tears were more like sobs and they were mostly because of my actions. I felt terrible and now I have scared John and he is crying. He is trying to give me kisses and hug me. (I am breast feeding this whole time)
The end of the story is that everyone got to bed that night and I cried myself to sleep. I started to doubt myself as a mother and a wife. I kept thinking, I haven't went back to teaching or started my masters classes yet. I am only on maternity leave. I had a terrible headache the next day from all the crying.
Good news....things are getting easier and I love having 2 kids. I love that they are close in age and that they will grow up together. I don't like the hard times, but those come with the good times. I wouldn't trade any of it. I seem to learn something every day. I had a hard time telling Matt the next day, because I wanted him to perceive me as a mom that could do it with no problem. Yet, when I told him, he hugged me and told me that he was sorry he wasn't here and that I was a wonderful mom. He also told me that he didn't expect me to have it all together.

One thing that I realized in this whole that I can't do it all by myself and the thing that finally calmed me down (besides being exhausted) was when I finally prayed and didn't just rely on my strength. Relying on God's strength is something I will be more intentional with each and everyday.


Miller Racing Family said...

Bless your heart. I am with you on being a little nervous about having two kiddos. I think we get so use to focusing on one kid that I wonder how we will manage it all.
I think this pregnancy has taught me to ask for help. I hope this continues but more than likely when I get back to normal I will probably try to do it all be myself.
Thanks for posting this as it is a great reminder for all moms.
Let me know when you get to Houston and we will try to get together with the kiddos.

Whitney Richeson said...

Thanks for posting this! I had my breaking points many, many times and that was just with 1 kid. You are not alone at all!! Great reminder for all of us to rely on gods strength to help us get through times like that!

The Strader Family said...

I love your honesty. :)